Friday, December 19, 2008

Thought Crumbs Falling on the Floor

2009 is upon me and as I look back on 2008 I see that I sure didn't make all the right choices, but I did make some good ones. I decided to get married, after some honest soul-searching and evaluation of my relationship. This is not something I take lightly, and I think being "yoked" with my husband has brought every other aspect of myself to the limelight. All the thought I put into my wifely preparation has spilled over into every other area of my life. So it's almost as if I've renewed and re-evaluated every relationship I have, and it's not so much about what others can be to me, but what I can be to them. And to some, I can't be as deep and true as I can to others. That used to bother me, but now it's ok. The way I see it, if I can't bless you I am wasting your time. And my own. For a long time I thought I had to find a way to like everyone - find the good in everyone - and they had to like me. But if that ain't a lie I don't know what is. Sometimes digging for good in people is like digging for gold in a tar pit. Sigh... Yeah, I'm still a bit bitter about some stuff but that's for another day's discourse.

I struggled with that reality because I am a perfectionist. And a visionary. And an idealist. But not so much in the practical, everyday sense. I want to perfect myself and my relationships. Most of all I want my life to be real - on the give and the take. I want to wake up every day with a clear purpose and a true sense of who I am surrounding myself with. I don't have the time or energy for shallow relationships or people with what I call a "brown aura" funking up my energy cloud. I need my energy cloud to be a purple halo around my head, smelling like calming lavender and leaving a smile on the faces of those in my wake. So I can't waste my precious love, time and energy on the meaningless, peripherary relationships that falter and fail. And I no longer have time in my life for failure. I am looking to build something and do something with my life and I can't let negative energy get in the way of that. If you can't be real, keep it moving, and if I can't be true to you I will do the same. It sounds harsh but I am going to be giving all and doing all, and I expect no less from the people who share my life. Those who I have chosen to call "friend", you know who you are, and you know what I expect. To know me is to love me, getting to know me and staying in love with me will require some hard work. My best girlfriend doesn't know the half because honestly I am not sure her heart can take it (I know she loves me that much). And by the same token she spares me some because my love for her is the same. That's my girl. We're "here" like I can't describe but it's REAL. It's so real. I've never been loved by another friend like that and it's a beautiful thing. And I'm talking YEARS of drama-free friendship. Rare and so precious. That's my girl! For real. Forever.

I have a small cirlcle of girlfriends and within that circle is an even smaller circle - compact but powerful despite its small size because of the real-ness that lives there. There are the girls you laugh with, the girls you cry with, and the girls you cry to. And then there are the girls with whom you can do all three. I am an open person, and for lack of better judgement found myself sharing my heart with those I later deemed unworthy of even a peek into my vulnerable areas. But you learn and you don't repeat the past's mistakes.

Ahh pray for me people!

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