Friday, December 19, 2008

Thought Crumbs Falling on the Floor

2009 is upon me and as I look back on 2008 I see that I sure didn't make all the right choices, but I did make some good ones. I decided to get married, after some honest soul-searching and evaluation of my relationship. This is not something I take lightly, and I think being "yoked" with my husband has brought every other aspect of myself to the limelight. All the thought I put into my wifely preparation has spilled over into every other area of my life. So it's almost as if I've renewed and re-evaluated every relationship I have, and it's not so much about what others can be to me, but what I can be to them. And to some, I can't be as deep and true as I can to others. That used to bother me, but now it's ok. The way I see it, if I can't bless you I am wasting your time. And my own. For a long time I thought I had to find a way to like everyone - find the good in everyone - and they had to like me. But if that ain't a lie I don't know what is. Sometimes digging for good in people is like digging for gold in a tar pit. Sigh... Yeah, I'm still a bit bitter about some stuff but that's for another day's discourse.

I struggled with that reality because I am a perfectionist. And a visionary. And an idealist. But not so much in the practical, everyday sense. I want to perfect myself and my relationships. Most of all I want my life to be real - on the give and the take. I want to wake up every day with a clear purpose and a true sense of who I am surrounding myself with. I don't have the time or energy for shallow relationships or people with what I call a "brown aura" funking up my energy cloud. I need my energy cloud to be a purple halo around my head, smelling like calming lavender and leaving a smile on the faces of those in my wake. So I can't waste my precious love, time and energy on the meaningless, peripherary relationships that falter and fail. And I no longer have time in my life for failure. I am looking to build something and do something with my life and I can't let negative energy get in the way of that. If you can't be real, keep it moving, and if I can't be true to you I will do the same. It sounds harsh but I am going to be giving all and doing all, and I expect no less from the people who share my life. Those who I have chosen to call "friend", you know who you are, and you know what I expect. To know me is to love me, getting to know me and staying in love with me will require some hard work. My best girlfriend doesn't know the half because honestly I am not sure her heart can take it (I know she loves me that much). And by the same token she spares me some because my love for her is the same. That's my girl. We're "here" like I can't describe but it's REAL. It's so real. I've never been loved by another friend like that and it's a beautiful thing. And I'm talking YEARS of drama-free friendship. Rare and so precious. That's my girl! For real. Forever.

I have a small cirlcle of girlfriends and within that circle is an even smaller circle - compact but powerful despite its small size because of the real-ness that lives there. There are the girls you laugh with, the girls you cry with, and the girls you cry to. And then there are the girls with whom you can do all three. I am an open person, and for lack of better judgement found myself sharing my heart with those I later deemed unworthy of even a peek into my vulnerable areas. But you learn and you don't repeat the past's mistakes.

Ahh pray for me people!

Thursday, December 18, 2008


Honestly I have so many thoughts in my head but I am just T-I-R-E-D.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Still, Small Voice

1 Kings 19:11-12 ---- And he said, Go forth, and stand upon the mount before the LORD. And, behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the LORD; but the LORD was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the LORD was not in the earthquake: And after the earthquake a fire; but the LORD was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice.

How long do we run around doing this and that before we stop, not to smell the roses, but to listen? When do we stop in the madness of the day to listen to the Father of the universe and hear His voice? The thing about God is that He is not pushy, and so patient that he waits in the quietness of His time, and sometimes for the right time to make you stop. Some of us have to learn the hard way. My pastor, in reference to his recent illness, said that it was when he was forced to be still (he was in the hospital and couldn't move due to spinal meningitis) that he heard that still, small voice.

I choose to live my life quietly and simply because that voice is my lifeline. Without its gentle whisper in the morning I arise confused and purposeless, and my soul flatlines. I read my devotional this morning and it spoke of Martha, the woman who baked and washed and scrubbed and kept busy, busy, busy, doing and doing, but had no time to lay at her Master's feet and receive a Word for her heart. And on the contrary, it's just as possible to do nothing but be still, yet listen to nothing. That is a most dangerous form of emptiness that leaves us susceptible to be filled with whatever flights of fancy cross our path. The stillness is not a time of emptiness, but a time of renewal where we are open but guarded. A woman should always be guarded in the world, but open to God. We women are strong, but yet so fragile, and often forgetting that our true strength lies in our femininity and submission. It takes so much strength to let go and trust. But we have to be full of the right thoughts and habits and values to do that. You won't fill your gas tank with kerosene so fill your heart with the premium, high octane Word that will strengthen you as you need it. As women we give so much of ourselves to our friends and loved ones, but if we don't stop in the midst of it all to take a breath, and catch a glimpse of the One who has given us all we work so hard to maintain, how can we know what it's really for? Ladies how can we nurture if we don't nurture ourselves first? And that takes time, and silence, and peace. It may be a manicure or a long walk, journaling or silent meditation. It may be yoga or a nice dinner with a few close, real friends. It maybe locking yourself in the bathroom because the house is full (I've done this LOL) and taking a few deep breaths and whispering a prayer. Whatever it is, take - no - make time for it. Feed your soul first before you step out into the world, or every accomplishment will be nothing but a brass medal around your neck, and all that brass can get pretty heavy. A woman's real value is in her heart - her character and her integrity. A woman's words should be like sweet, creamy, melted butter, but sharp and poignant like the kick of cayenne pepper (I personally like that combination on shrimp). We are dazzling, multi-faceted gems of creation, but can lose our luster if we don't take the time to polish up. And that polishing has to be done internally. Don't look at me in my suit and matching shoes, dressed to the nines, and think I have it all together. I don't. I am a work in progress but I am progressing.

We can have all the degrees on the wall and the fine china and the sparkling granite kitchen countertop at which we stand, grating cheese for the macaroni everyone is asking for (preaching to myself here). But what of our hearts? What of the condition of our souls? Why don't we stop and check that? Is it that we are too busy or is it that we fill our lives with the clutter of accomplishment to mask the soul we lost along the road to achievement? Nothing worth having is worth losing the ability to hear that still, small voice. In yesterday's sermon I was reminded that it is obedience that makes that voice louder. It's faith and trust that amplify that small voice so it can drown out the cacophony of life. And the triad of harmony of the Three-In-One, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, balance the scales of life in our favor.

Take a moment today and turn off the TV and put down your cellphone and just listen...

We live in a world where we have to be wowed to buy into anything. So we look for God in the strong winds and earthquakes of life, but how can we find him in the storm and the madness with the debris of our lives flying all around? It's in the stillness that He makes Himself truly known, and it's the quiet peace He brings there that connects us to Him and lets us feel his protective love. That's what makes us smile as we are standing in the rubble, hearing a bird sing in its still, small voice.

Good Morning Jah Jah

This Jah Cure song is what greets me as my weekday alert to rise and get to the job of getting to my job. Had I not risen with a song of praise on my lips I would forget that it is God the reason I woke up was not my alarm. In the busy-ness of life it is all too easy to lose sight of the Father's Hand on us, and our spirits are often leached of love and joy, as water leaches from sand - dripping away beneath the surface until all that is left is a light dusty powder that drifts with each shift of the wind. For me to be a rock - to be steadfast and solid, grounded and sure, I remember Jah Jah. I give praise where it's due - to Him and to those He has placed in my life to serve as guideposts.

It's Monday morning....ahhhh the often dreaded Monday morning. But part of me is hopeful. I see a new dawn coming. 2009 approaches and instead of waiting to renew this or instill that new thing in my life. I'm starting fresh now. I've been looking inside and cleaning up my spirit woman, but my flesh has neglected to clean the physical. I get home too late to lift a finger. I just crawl into bed and wait for the next day to creep up on me. But this Monday, I rise with a "Good Morning Jah Jah" on my heart, and I look to the Son to light my day, make my path clear, and tell me what is most important.

This cleaning theme has been on my heart for a while now, and today's devotional was about the Martha mentality. Wanting everything to be in tip top shape but neglecting the woman within who yearns for the Master's hand on her soul. And Jesus lovingly repremanded Martha for not stopping to take the time to sit at His feet - to stop working long enough to hear a Word for her heart from Him. But I've been the opposite. So concerned with the inner woman that I've neglected the physical world a bit. It wasn't too bad though, It took me less than an hour to tidy up. If only it was so easy with my soul...

New every morning is the Love
Our waking and uprising prove
Through sleep and darkness safely brought
Restored to life, and power and thought

Sunday, December 14, 2008

When you know, you know

I'm watching "Rich Bride, Poor Bride" on WeTV and this bride is agonizing about her wedding dress, and four gowns into the decision calls her fiance for permission to spend an extra $2,000 on the dress she loves and must have. His (irritated) response was, "whatever you want". Ahhhhh...weddings. Or should I say, "Wedding$$$"?

I tried on ONE wedding dress, and it was the dress I wore on my wedding day, and I'll share that the total cost of the dress was less than the extra cost our TV bride was considering. Funny thing is that I absolutely wanted an ivory gown, but the sample was ivory lace over light gold satin. I loved it! I knew then it was THE dress, after looking at literally hundreds of dresses online and in every bridal magazine I could get my hands on. And just like I knew I had the dress of my dreams, I knew when I met my husband that he was THE ONE. Everyone thought I was crazy (including me LOL), but when you know, you know.

But I'll be honest. I never believed in love. Not really. Love - true love - was something other people experienced. I floated through my previous relationship, trying to convince myself I loved the man I was with, for six years trying so hard to make it work, wondering why it was so hard. There was a huge cultural difference (my ex is from a traditional Indian family) and that was at the root of some major issues we had over the years. But it wasn't until I met my husband that I felt that jolt of, this day I can't really describe it. I remember lying in bed that night and wondering why, for the life of me, I couldn't get the thought of this man out of my head. I remembered the temperature of his hand when he shook mine, and every note of his cologne. And his red shirt and jeans; standing in the cold outside the club with no coat on and not the least bit cold. I remember being enveloped by him in that shirt keeping me warm against the bitter January morning air. I sleep in that shirt, and every time I put it on, I remember the day my life changed. Sappy huh? That's me.

Anyone who has met my husband knows he commands attention. Mr. Tall, Dark & Handsome, but I don't think it was his look that attracted me. There is greatness in this man, and it can't be denied. Of course I am biased, but back then something just bowled me over and honestly I've never been the same since. I don't love him for his greatness, I love him because he unlocked something in me that lay dormant. It was as if he was the catalyst for my becoming. And he fit. In an odd way his fit was the way he's challenged and pushed and stretched me beyond what I thought I was capable of. It was exactly what I needed at a time in my life when I had not only settled but given up. In some ways this great man of mine is so simple and in others so complex, but altogether wonderful. It's the sum of all these parts that I love. And to this day I still lay awake at night, unable to get the thought of him out of my mind. I miss him when he leaves the room. I smile to myself when I think of him. My heart beats a little (well a lot) faster when I hear his voice. Still. After almost seven years. Seven is a number of completion. January will make seven years that we have been together. And seven months of marriage. We've had our share of issues. It's been a roller coaster ride, but I wouldn't give him up for anything in the world. He is the center of my earthly life. My companion in everything. My confidant and my very best friend.

What started as a giddy, head over heels experience has rooted itself in my heart, and he knows my commitment and devotion. He knows his place in my heart is secure. That he is safe and nurtured in my arms. He knows I weigh every action with the question of how it will affect him, and if it's not beneficial to him it's not going to get done. In an age when women are so flippant about men, expecting the worst, it's hard to stand the test of a relationship. I have conversations with women who speak of men with the lowest expectations...and not to say that there aren't problems, but I think oftentimes you get what you expect. You can speak or even think doom into a relationship and I can say I've been guilty of that. But knowing who I have in my life and how blessed I am, I can do no less than love him with all of me. And even when I think I don't have any left, I find more to give.

He's the one...the only man I can really say I ever honestly loved. I can be myself, open, vulnerable, complete in myself and still his "other half". I can be me. And there is nothing like that feeling when you know you don't have to pretend with someone or sacrifice who you are to make them happy.

I'm amused by these people on these wedding shows. Spending money like it's unlimited and trying to make the day memorable. But more than anything I want my marriage to work, so the sky could have fallen in on my wedding day for all I cared, as long as at the end of the day my covenant with God and my husband was sealed. And I do everything in my power every day to nurture this love and build on the foundation we built together. I'm watching brides melt down on what is supposed to be the happiest day of their lives. My photographer marveled that I was ready at 4:00 for my 5:00 wedding. I wasn't playing. I was ready, body, mind and soul for that day. And the limo driver couldn't stop commenting on how calm I was, jokingly asking if I wanted to bail and telling me it wasn't too late. I've only been that resolute on two days of my life - while in labor with my daughter and on my wedding day. I didn't bat an eyelash on either of those days, because I knew it was right. And when you know, you know.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

A Lesson From The Belly

I am soooo very excited about going to Trinidad for Christmas and as usual am faced with what I call my bikini body syndrome. I stand in front of the mirror and I try my swimsuits on and I pout and ponder. Can I ever get rid of the striae distensae...aka stretch marks? They're really not even that visible, but for a woman who had the smoothest, tightest abs and most flawless midsection ever to be bestowed on the female form (yeah, I said it), it just makes me sigh....long, deep, agonizing sighs. In nine months it was all over. I actually got them in the last three weeks of my pregnancy. All the shea butter in the world couldn't prevent them. My husband used to stand there and marvel at me rubbbing my belly down with this African salve every day. It's just the vanity of a woman, I guess. We all want to be flawless. Last night I tried my swimsuit on again, and this time as I twirled around in front of the mirror I smiled. Not to toot my own horn but some have never stretched and don't look half as good. I'm a fine beach specimen! Hahaha...listen to me. I took a chance and bought a new cream called TrilastinSR and it's diminishing the marks for sure. Not eliminating, but making them light enough that I can't see them in some light.

I see connections in everything in my life. My belly tells me that I've been through and come through something. And everything we've been through leaves its mark. So I have a few stretch marks. But I stretched. And I gave birth to a beautiful little girl. And even with my bikini body syndrome, in a heartbeat I would stretch again and again. I love it that I was made to do this wonderful thing.

Maybe I just need to buy a one-piece LOL

Friday, December 12, 2008

Waking Up

I've been so inside myself lately that it's like I've been sleepwalking. There is a scetch on Mad TV with a character called Steve - a little boy who gives his mother no end of trouble. Well Steve often goes into his "dark place" and I feel like that's where I've been. This dark place is not a dank and dreary cave, but a place of isolation I need to visit when life gets a little crazy and I have to step back and re-evaluate things. I've neglected my ministry for years (time being the excuse); I only just started to work with the dance group at my church again for this year's Christmas presentation. You would think it was Janet Jackson doing the choreography the way the girls responded to my presence at rehearsal. I felt at home again, as I interpreted the song and taught my class. I didn't realize how much I missed it. Or needed it. There is something about physical worship that is so liberating. And public, but yet so intimate. I love it.

I have so much bubbling up from inside now - poetry, choreography, vision, ideas - but no time in the busy-ness of life to articulate anything on paper or much less bring my vision to life. I've had an idea for an empowerment ministry for women and young girls that my pastor urged me to to a workshop for years ago. But alas, nothing. It came to me again this morning and I will pray on it because it's coming to the forefront of my mind again recently. As a matter of fact, no. I will do it. I will sit and put pen prayerfully to paper and see what materializes. Nothing beats a trial but a failure. And if God is with me - directing me on this and this is His plan, I will not fail. I've read so much about ministries birthed out of need. The truth is that I need this for me. I need to feel empowered and strong and beautiful and anointed in my life. And it doesn't matter if it's just me and one other person. Because where two or three are gathered...well, you know. And if you don't know you better find out (Matthew 18:20). That last part was me LOL...just read the verse.

I woke up this morning to the voice of my husband, and usually when I get up I have what he would call the "stupid face" and the "stupid voice". It takes me hours to really wake up. But this morning I was alert immediately. With no hesitation I got out of bed and got myself together. But it was early, so I took my time. I read my Bible and listened to some Fred Hammond. He had me singing - "are you ready for your blessing...are you ready for your miracle". I wanted to dance in the street as I walked to work!

It feels like it took all week...actually, like it took all year...but I feel so ALIVE!

Like I just woke up.

Good morning!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


I just read this article and it left me on the verge of tears. This man kissed his wife goodbye and left the house and hours later she was killed, along with his daughters and mother-in-law, when a plane crashed into their home.

My heart goes out to this man as he struggles to pick up the pieces of his life...

How often do we say "see you later" and rush off without a thought that later may not come for one of us? I've been called sentimental, emotional, mushy - but I treat every day like a gift and a new chance to love the one I am with. I don't let a day pass without letting him know that I care, that I love him, that I appreciate him in my life. Because in a few hours, "later", I may not be able to say it.

Sadly we often don't realize what we have until it's gone. My grandmother says people act like they "have tomorrow put down". It's not promised, by no means. We need to live so we leave a legacy of love when we are gone...of kindness and generosity so even the memory of our lives will be a blessing. And we need to live for the world to come, because when "later" is too late, we want to be sure we are in the right place when all is said and done.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Inside My Mind

In thinking about my relationships, I've come to realize that it's often not the outstanding and overtly generous things our friends and loved ones do that cause us to see their real value of us, but the little everyday things that show how they really feel about us (and how we feel about them). It's the reflex action - the action that requires the least thought - that reveals the Truth in our hearts. I’m paying more and more attention to my “first response” and examining what my subsequent actions reveal. What are my motives towards others, really? And do I really want to be rid of my “wicked ways”? Or do I kinda like being mean and selfish sometimes? If I’m to be what I am called to be, I need to have a clean heart, and the only way to be clean is to clean up. You can clean your house every single day and one day you look around and find you have to just empty everything from its place and get all back in the corners and scrub. And you still find dirt back there! What the…??? And as you are scrubbing you marvel at how it got back there in the first place, behind all the stuff you had neatly packed away. Don’t be fooled. The remains of the day nestle into the nooks and crannies of our lives and settle in those dark corners. Gotta take time every once in a while and really clean up cuz that old stuff can get real funky back there! Clean it up…

I've been on a long journey of cleansing for the past four years. It began with the decision to have a child. I believe the most important decision anyone can make is to bring another human being into this world. And it takes two, no matter what the most independent of you will say, so we made the decision together. More than the life of my child is my joy that she was created with intent. I was an “oops” baby, with a life surrounded by drama that my mother shielded me from the best she could (and she did an outstanding job I might add). I wanted a different experience for my child, and I’m glad that when I did get pregnant it was on purpose. Not that I am knocking anyone who “slipped”. Despite our precautions and best intentions God has lives He plans to introduce into the world regardless of our plans for or against them. Life is the most precious gift we have, and bringing another life into this world is an immense responsibility. That’s why I cringe at the whole abortion issue (I’m definitely pro-life)…but that’s a whole other palarble as my mother would say.

So I started eating better, taking my vitamins, preparing my body to be the vessel to house this little person for nine months. But in my journey to make my body a healthy place for my child I also found myself taking my spiritual vitamins more, and I eliminated toxic people from my life just as I eliminated toxic food. No soda, no negativity. I’m happy that I had a gloriously easy pregnancy…one day of morning sickness, and a labor and delivery that was a breeze compared to the horror stories I was fed for nine months. I was calm upon my entry to the hospital, knowing I was engineered to birth this child. And upon the revelation that I had a daughter I was determined to be the type of woman I wouldn’t mind her growing up to be. Think about it – those of you who are mothers of little girls – if your daughter was to say she wanted to be like you when she grows up, or those of you who have sons – that they wanted a woman like you to share their lives with - would you be okay with that? I think about that every single day. I noticed as I lost the taste for certain foods that I knew weren’t good for me, I lost the taste for certain people who were polluting my life. Not to say that all of a sudden I thought I was better than anyone, but I knew what was healthy for me, for my sanity. And most of all for my spirit. It was a hard pill to swallow, because my relationships mean so much to me, but sometimes you just have to let go.

I’m at a point of contemplating what the new year will hold – we’ll have a new President, and we are in a recession, and we still have food to buy and children to feed and lives to live and careers to advance and in the midst of it all we are trying not to lose heart and step up and live and laugh and love. I've been searching myself for that "do the right thing" vibe that spurs me on to be a better person. I'm sooooo not ambitious. To my detriment, I sometimes feel. My ego is but this big; I often don't have the time to think about me in the midst of everything I am doing. I work first and think later, often when I am tired from working myself too hard. But I’m a server, a nurturer, a giver...that’s who I am. The problem is that I often give until I am empty. So I’m seeking more balance, more “me” time to fill the tank. It’s like you give to the point where you are depleted, and then what? I swear Beyonce was in my head with this new album. Songs like “Broken Hearted Girl”, “Hello”, “Save The Hero”……….especially that one, had me hitting that repeat button over and over. But “Ego” – wow. Lately that ego of mine that I thought was yeah big is coming to the forefront. It’s getting big. So I’ve been in conflict. I’m standing on the precipice of a new era of my life – newly married, and looking to see what the future will hold. I’m jumping off…feeling the wind in my face as I descend but sure of the tuft of soft grass that will cushion my landing. Life is a fall. One big fall after another. It’s the lack of courage to jump that kills dreams and stalls destinies. There is something out there calling me but I’m not sure what it is. Some people may ask why the concern, but my family is at the core of my life. And I don’t want my increasing ego to get in the way of that. My husband and my children are the center of my world and who I am is reflected in their eyes.

I’ve been so introverted lately, concentrating on myself and my little universe. I’ve come against some opposition, with some questioning my “allegiance”. My allegiance is to that little universe of mine. I can’t function in the world outside if all is falling apart in my circle. And my circle is tight. I’m very private. Not because I have anything to hide but because you can’t let any and every one inside. Some people come in and break stuff. I’ve been hurt and not by this man or that but by sisters who claimed to love but did the unlovable. But I’ve been the unlovable sister too – so I know the other side of the fence. I think that’s what keeps me motivated to live right. I don’t want to be “that woman”. I want to be the wellspring of love and wisdom that embraces everyone who is around me. I want to be that Proverbs 31 woman in whose mouth is the law of kindness. I believe that love – true love – of self and others is not natural. Not in the least. We are naturally selfish beings – I don’t care how nice you think you are. Goodness comes by fighting our flesh to become intrinsically kind and good. Fighting our selfish hearts until love is a reflex….a first response.


I breathe his thoughts and see his voice and hear his vision
He is Love come alive in my heart and I cannot help it that he fills me so I overflow
And weep and shudder at his touch
He loves me in calm, sweet, forceful ways that move my soul
He moves me to live better than yesterday
Tomorrow is in his eyes
And forever is in his kiss

(c) Silk and Purple

Waiting for Your Life Mate

My future sister-in-law sent this to me and I can't help passing it on...interesting and good food for thought! I am still digesting all this. It will take years. It's only deep if you let it in....

First we must allow our Heavenly Father to do the picking. And second, the decision for a mate must be made on a spiritual and intellectual basis before it's made on an emotional one. "What about love? Shouldn't that be the third?", you ask. No, and I'll tell you why. "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? (Jer. 17:9). The heart is willful and is driven by its own agenda. It does not consider things rationally and intelligently--it just loves to love! Therefore, you have to point it in the right directions: "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life" (Prov. 4:23). Whenever you meet a man, you need to get clearance from God, check out his attributes, and then allow your heart to engage. Dating exists not for mating; it exists for collecting data. I believe that the biblical design would be friendship, courtship, and then marriage. Friendship is two people walking together in agreement and accountability, learning and growing together. Courtship follows the mutual agreement to commit to one another exclusively--it is the decisive turning toward the agreed-upon goal of the marriage altar. It is a period of laying a foundation and preparing your life together after marriage. But dating? Well, if you do date, use the time wisely to gather facts:

Check out the fabric Is the person mate material? Does this man have an intimate relationship with the Father through Jesus Christ? Does he care what God thinks about his behavior? Is he accountable to God as well as another co-laborer in the faith? Accountability is an important factor. It is imperative to maintaining a committed relationship. Is your potential spouse a member of the same family--the family of God? Scripture is clear on this: "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?" (2 Cor. 6:14). You need to have common interests and values and agree on the essentials of living day to day. You have a similar spiritual walk. You eat the same spiritual diet. You enjoy a lot of similar things. You have like interests, like goals in life, like opinions on basic life issues. You have had like experiences in your background. Though there is some truth to the idiom that opposites attract, like-minded folks fare better together. Furthermore, does he want to get married? If you want to be married and your dreamboat isn't interested, don't waste your time. Remember, women fall in love and get married. Men decide to get married and then look for a wife. Note the difference in order. So if a guy says he's not looking for anything serious, take his words seriously. If he's not going in your direction, get off the bus and wait for the right one.

Does this man want you? Is he pursuing you? The man who is right for you will pursue you, and God's hand in the relationship will be clear. No guessing, no fleeces, no dead ends. Scripture says: "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord" (Prov. 18:22). Note--who finds whom? THE MAN FINDS THE WIFE. From the beginning of time, God has transported men and women across the world in order to put them together. At the RIGHT TIME, He will bring that man on the scene and he will find you. In God's perfect design, the man is the one who recognizes his mate. Adam had no problem recognizing that Eve was his missing rib. You do not need to strategically place yourself anywhere. You don't have to help a guy out because he's shy! Men will do whatever they have to do to get what they truly want. The man in your life should recognize you as the pearl of great price in his life and be willing to do whatever he must in order to gain your hand. If he is passive about gaining your affections, take it as a sign that he is not interested. Many a woman's mother has suggested that it is a good idea to marry a man who loves you more than you love him. As cold as that sounds, it actually might be scriptural if you stop to think about it: "We love him because He first loved us" (1 Jn 4:19). Until then, take the ultimate chill pill You don't need a bunch of men in your life to make you feel all right about yourself. You need only one man--your man, the one God has selected to select you. And trust me, the right man at the wrong time can be just as awful as the wrong man at any time. So trust God's timing in this. He is the ultimate matchmaker. Relax, sit pretty and allow yourself to be found. Again,--WAIT until the man voices his intentions. He should take the lead in establishing the relationship. You may have an inkling that he is the one, but God will use the man to set the tone of the relationship. Allow him the opportunity to woo you--this is your first act of submission. Jesus set the standard for all men to follow. They should love us first. And they should lead the relationship.

The man in your life should not desire to move into your house, only into your heart. A man who prepares for your future has made his intentions clear. A man who is husband material has the means to take care of a wife. He is a responsible human being who understands he needs to have something to offer. In short, a man should have the means to be a suitable lover for you.

Check out his buddies. Everyone knows birds of the same feather flock together, yet most women fail to see the connection between a man and his friends. A man's pals tell you a lot about the person that you haven't seen yet. They reveal things about the guy's character that might be hidden when he is on good behavior. Everyone knows how to put his best foot forward. Don't stay focused on the foot, check out the rest of the body!

Check out his relationship with his mother. How does he treat her? This is your preview of how he will treat you. There are lots of men who, because of a negative relationship with their mothers, really don't like women, yet say they do. Unresolved issues between mother and son continue between husband and wife.

Remember that a man's family reveals the cloth from which he's cut. Take note and decide whether you want your future with the man in your life to look like his present family situation.7. Check out the patterns of his life. Do you see repeated cycles of drama in his personal kingdom? broken relationships? problems in making commitments? including the job market? mood swings? Is a problem always someone else's fault? Does he embrace responsibility or shirk it? Does he keep his promises? Is he a man of good reputation? Remember all garments look wonderful hanging in the store, but with wear, some begin to unravel. Give yourself time and space to check out the man in your life. Time will always reveal whether or not he is made of the right stuff.

Does this man have a vision for his life? Is he running with that vision? Remember, God decided Adam needed help once Adam got busy DOING his assignment. As we saw Adam, a man doesn't need help until he is busy doing what he was created and called to do. Is the man in your life guided by sense of destiny and purpose, or does he just allow life to happen around him? A man who is not certain of his mission can be a most miserable person--and you'll be miserable too if you know where YOU want to go in life. A man who has vision is not intimidated by a woman whose mission statement is clear. He will be your best ally, cheerleader and assistant because he wants you both to make it! A man who cannot be supportive of your achievements because he is floundering in a sea of uncertainty over his own life is not a healthy partner to have and to hold forever. Creating dependencies or feelings of obligation is not the way to get the best out of your man. Somewhere along the way, he will resent you and flee from the smothering burden of obligation he associates you with. You want a man who is firmly anchored in his identity in Christ. Remember, we are looking for a man who will be priest and leader in his home. His first instinct should be to want to cover you, redeem you, and provide for you. Your job is to decide if this is the man God has ordained for you to complement.

Complementarities. Do your talents and gifts complement his? Do his gifts complement yours? What about your temperaments? Do you see the two of you as an effective team capable of bringing blessing to the lives of those around you? Do your futures mesh? Can you coordinate your gifts in an attractive and effective way? This is why knowing your purpose is so important. Make sure your hearts beat for mutual causes. When I go shopping I always consider the fabric, the fit and what I already have in my closet. Will my next purchase be a complementary addition to what I already have? If I find that I am going to have to buy shoes and matching accessories to go with a new outfit, I leave it right on the rack. It is too expensive a proposition. If the man you meet makes you feel that you need to completely reinvent yourself, something is wrong. This is where I ask you to consider the relationship in terms of cost. Is this relationship expensive spiritually, emotionally, or physically? Does your longing for a mate make you willing to forfeit who you are in the process? Or does he see you as the gift that you are? The man in your life should consider you as a rare find, a priceless jewel--because of you he is getting ready to get blessed big-time! Any relationship that causes you to feel unworthy, unlovely, unacceptable, undesirable, or that you have to work for love, is too expensive! God has called the man to cover, protect, and provide not only materially for a woman, but emotionally and spiritually as well. You should be richer in mind, body and spirit for your union with the man of your dreams. The man in your life should make rich deposits into your heart and spirit, not withdrawals.

Does he have a healthy love & acceptance of himself? Make sure the man in your life has taken time to heal from past relationships and has made peace with himself. He he cares for himself is how he will care for you. A man's relationship with God is crucial here. His love for himself will only be as strong as his love for God. This is not something that you can impart. You cannot be his savior or teacher. That is out of spiritual order. In his rightful place as your personal priest, he should be leading you to a richer relationship with Christ. If he is causing you to compromise your faith and destabilize your walk, if he is leading you into sexual sin or causing you to be distracted from your commitment to Christ, the relationship is too expensive. Offending the Lover of your soul, who promises you eternal love, is too high a fare to pay for a ride that has a limited run. If you and your man can't soar in the Spirit, when the force of your love for another is tested by the pull or gravity of the world, your union will not be able to survive. So you decide How much is your life worth? How much is your love worth? You will be able to accept only what you believe you deserve. God Himself calculated the worth of your love and decided it was worth His life. He now pledges you His love for eternity. Yes, Jesus sets the example for all others to follow when He paid a ransom for His bride. Should you expect less from a mortal man? Throughout the Biblical age, men were willing to pay the cost for the hand that they desired. The truth of the matter is, everyone knows that anything worth having, costs. And no one gets a ride in this life for free.

Our Prayer:Dear Heavenly Father,I confess that I have not always been as careful as I should've been with my heart. From time to time, my desire for love has caused me to leave my heart in the wrong hands. I now commit my heart into Your hands for safekeeping. Please help me to stop being so impulsive with what you deem so precious. As I learn to celebrate Your love for me, let me learn from Your example what a bridegroom should really be like. Help me to never settle for less than what you desire for me. As I embrace You as the Lover of my soul, keep my affections in the haven of Your own heart. As I rest in Your love, make me more discriminating of those who approach me. I ask that You take over this area of my life. Keep me from those You know would hurt my heart. I invite You to set a hedge around me and keep me from all who would draw me into unfruitful relationships until the day you present me to the mate that You have selected for me. Grant me the discernment to recognize him as he recognizes me. Cleanse me from the temptation to typecast the men I meet according to what I see. Help me to trust in Your knowledge and lean not on my own understanding. I know that You know what is best for me; therefore I yield to Your choice. In Jesus Name. Amen.
Author Unknown

Listen While You Sleep

From 3/15/2008

We often speak of God or the supernatural but only with half-belief. We read Bible stories about dream interpretation and God sending messages to people in dreams, but do we really believe that stuff? I do. I believe that with the lives we lead today the still, small voice God often speaks in gets drowned out by the dissonance of our many thoughts. We are so busy yelling at life to hurry up and go in our direction that we don’t stop to ask God for directions, except to get out of our own mess - the mess we would not be in, mind you, had we sought His guidance in the first place AND did what He said to do (mmm hmmm - you know I’m right). But instead we say, "Ok. You’re right, God. But just let me do it this way"...and the rest is history...sigh. On the highway of life my advice is to read the "map" before you even start your car. And if you decide to keep driving, you’ll see me pulled over, because I am not going one more mile until I am sure of my direction. The destination doesn’t matter. I just want to be on the right road.

I dream almost every night, I think. Sometimes they are just images, like a snapshot; a picture. And sometimes they are rolling films of garbled nonsene. Sometimes I have the same dream over and over again, or the same type of dream. Sometimes I wake up shaken and scared, sometimes enlightened, but always somehow changed by the experience I had in my sleep. Lately I’ve been dreaming of being threatened and attacked, but not by people, by animals, and in places where you wouldn’t expect, like in the middle of a city. And in the midst of the attack I have to protect someone else. I had another dream like that last night. I won’t give the details of it, but the attack took place at my father’s house and the animal managed to injure me but not kill me.

I dialed my father’s number as soon as I woke up but he wasn’t home. I always feel there is a message in a dream, not only for me, but for the people I saw in the dream, so I wanted to tell him about it. At first I was disturbed by the whole thing (it was very graphic) but the voice on the other end of the line told me to look at the events of my dreams - in the time of panic and fear I was still untouched, and though the animal did manage to hurt me in the end it didn’t kill me...and that it was because I was in my FATHER’s house. Ohhh I can’t express the tingles in my spirit because through the voice on the other end of the phone God was telling me, "Don’t worry. I got you". We say it, but sometimes we need that reassurance that He’s really right here...watching and protecting.

I won’t tell the devil to bring it on, but that disturbance I’ve been feeling recently...that ominous foreshadowing.....I know something is going down on a level that is far beyond me. Words of spiritual things are folly for them who don’t believe, I and know someone is going to read this and think I am nuts, but I believe that God is trying to tell me something...and last night in the midst of my slumber I was quiet enough to hear it. Today in my awakening I am grounded enough to heed, and faithful enough to know that:
1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.

2 I will say to the LORD, "My refuge and my fortress, My God, in whom I trust!"
3 For it is He who delivers you from the snare of the trapper and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with His pinions, and under His wings you may seek refuge; His faithfulness is a shield and bulwark.
5 You will not be afraid of the terror by night, or of the arrow that flies by day;
6 Of the pestilence that stalks in darkness, or of the destruction that lays waste at noon.
7 A thousand may fall at your side and ten thousand at your right hand, But it shall not approach you.
8 You will only look on with your eyes and see the recompense of the wicked.
9 For you have made the LORD, my refuge, even the Most High, your dwelling place.
10 No evil will befall you, nor will any plague come near your tent.
11 For He will give His angels charge concerning you, to guard you in all your ways.
12 They will bear you up in their hands, that you do not strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread upon the lion and cobra, the young lion and the serpent you will trample down.
14 "Because he has loved Me, therefore I will deliver him; I will set him securely on high, because he has known My name.
15 "He will call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will rescue him and honor him.
16 "With a long life I will satisfy him And let him see My salvation."

(Psalm 91) ...Selah


Love is the touch felt without his presence
Enveloping me in warmth
I float on the whispers of his voice
His words fall heavy on my eyelids
Closing them as I rest in his love

Just Emptying My Head

From 4/4/08

I am so exhausted....physically, mentally, emotionally - just drained. But I have such a vibrant, resonating, overwhelming flood of joy in my spirit. This morning on the train I was blasting Fred Hammond in my ears and I guess you can say I had my own internal hallelujah moment. I closed my eyes and those lyrics just washed over my heart...and everything was perfectly alright in that moment. That’s what keeps me going. Knowing that I’m blessed in my going and my downsitting and uprising...just blessed "from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet" as my pastor likes to say. When he says it I just imagine the hands of God literally waving over me head to toe, inside and out...touching and healing every part of me. I was listening to a part of a song this morning and it was truly my heart’s cry...."everything wrong in me - take it out right now....burn it out right now...Holy Spirit, you are welcome in this place". This PLACE being me...the temple that is heart, my mind, my spirit, my body. Holy Spirit you are welcome in this place. Come inside and sit and be with me, like a friend I’ve invited into my home. God is all powerful, yet even though He could He’s not so pushy that He doesn’t know how to wait for an to wait patiently to hear us ask, "Will you be my friend?"
I’ve been thinking a lot this week about friendship, and the people closest to me who I want to share in my wedding ceremony. Some stood out more than others, and when I thought of one in particular I had to praise this person for their integrity. It’s something very few people have, and it means the world to me to call such a person a friend. I joke and tell people all the time that I have no friends...but in a way it’s true. I use the term loosely about some people, but there are very few people whom I trust with my heart as you should trust a true "friend". The old people say that "every skin teet ain’t a laugh". So, so true. I guess this realization is part of what caused me to seek my Father’s face more fervently of late. He’s my inspiration - honestly I want that light, that joy, that fullness and abundance all the time in my’s addictive! And I want to share it with those who I call friends. But as much as God loves and cares for and is wonderful to me He corrects me, and sometimes punishes me. To me that is what a friend should do. A friend should be able to "check" you when you are just plain acting the fool. And a friend should have the authority of character to check you. What I mean by that is that it’s not do as I say but not as I do...don’t come telling me don’t do what I know you do...come on now. Keep it real. That’s why I don’t want people around me who I don’t respect. Because like it or not, you become like the company you keep. So I have to guard my heart and my soul by guarding my associations. The Bible talks about being unequally yoked, and people use that verse all the time in reference to marriage, but it applies to every relationship. One of my very best friends is of a different religion, but because our core values are the same, the "yoke" we have is equal. We don’t see eye to eye on religion, but on family and marriage and friendship, love and loyalty, we speak the same language, and our friendship has been able to thrive. I respect her so much for her integrity, loyalty and honesty. Funny enough this same friend of another religion sent me a quote on faith from Hebrews the other day...she had been reading the Bible. Now ain’t that something...

And then there are the friends you just want to lose...the ones who cut you or burned you or turned their backs on you. But Fred said too that when we "should have been cut off".....ohhhhhhh here come the shivers because there are times when I was amazed at the forgiveness of God. Perfect and true...pure in all Your ways....I’m overwhelmed that You would call me "friend". Some people don’t understand the joy because they don’t know the place such praise is coming from...the place where God met and saved you and took you higher. When you come from that place to where you are now, and recognize that you are here through no effort or merit of your own but by the grace and mercy of a God who should have cut your trifling, lying, backsliding, selfish, unholy, messed up self can’t help but praise like your life depended on it...and it does because every blessing, every victory, every circumstance’s birthed in praise. When I think about all I’ve been forgiven for - I cannot hold a grudge. I cannot judge. I cannot hold back forgiveness. When I really stop and think about the "little" things we all do (and the big things too) that we think nothing of to do...sins we commit in the face of God....had we been faced with forgiving someone of the same wrong we have done...would we? Could we? Hmmmm.....when we should have been cut off...YET He had mercy. Can’t nobody in this world love me like that! Forgiveness is a balm of healing that covers any wound. But it has to be applied daily, religiously, until the wound is healed. It’s a gift not only to the friend you forgive, but to yourself. Forgiveness is freedom, untying the suffocating ropes of guilt and shame that bind us so often when there is an offense between friends. Sometimes we forgive and cling, but there are some friends who have to be forgiven and let go, fond memories stored away, goodbyes said, part ways.

I love the friend who tells me when I am going wrong. The Bible says that God chastens those he loves. I am thankful for people in my life who can stop me in my tracks and show me where I am messing up. I am thankful for people who challenge me, testing the limits of my faith and thus making me stronger. Even my "enemies". I am thankful for them, because they give me a reason to cling ever more closely to Jehovah Nissi - The Lord my banner - protecting and covering me from the evil that tries to ensnare and destroy me and all that is dear to me.
But back to the song and the piece that is talking about removing the bad stuff...the moment I started praying that prayer every negative thing was mirrored in front of me, and in trying to get my mind and heart wrestled free, I gave in for a moment to the feeling of what those negative thoughts brought. But I asked for it...and I have to face the things about myself and my life that He’s brought to mind...I asked Him to, so He can fix me and heal me. Sometimes I think too too too much so it takes me a while to get what God is showing me. But thank God I get it! Not everyone does. I am glad for friends who won’t steer me wrong. I am glad for the blessing of discernment to see and hear what is not outwardly shown and said...not always, but enough. God always reveals in His time and His way, whatever we need to know. Part of faith is understanding that we don’t need to know everything. All we need to know is God, and to love and trust Him. To praise Him for all He has done and will do in our lives, and to HONESTLY seek Him, and welcome Him into our hearts. He’s like a maid who comes to a messy house. Sometimes in the process of cleaning up He makes the mess seem bigger, but that’s only because He’s cleaning out the stuff from under the chair, over there, in the corner, on that top shelf, behind the bed, (you know - those places you never, ever swept, or where you hid the stuff you couldn’t quite bring yourself to throw out but didn’t want to look at any more)....but when he’s can eat off the floor!

I asked God for a revelation and for Him to really transform me into what He wants me to be, and He’s doing it. But man, I didn’t expect all this...I didn’t expect what I am feeling. But I am enjoying the journey, as I learn and grow in Him. I love the woman I am becoming.

Mr Lover Lover

From 10/6/08

A brief encounter I had yesterday is making me think....
What attracts men to women? I mean...really? I honestly don't get it because it seems that when I am the least open to "them" they come in droves...but it's how they approach sometimes. Geez...

Case in point (and maybe not such a good example) I was approached by a brother yesterday who wanted to help me with some boxes I was taking out of my car. Ok, thank you, kind Sir. But he had to spoil we have to go the whole damsel in distress route..."so how come your husband isn't helping you with these" for info, which I gladly gave, telling him he was not here but would help if he was. So to this he says "oh so he exists". Then after we establish my status, you know the brother still wants to know if he can be my "friend"? ....ummm no. I don't get it because people I was looking scruffy - I am embarrassed to say. I didn't even comb my hair yesterday. It was just up in a huge puff on top of my head sticking out every which way...but maybe Mr. Lover Lover likes unkempt women LOL.

This is why I don't keep male friends. I have very, very few (two really) and they have been friends with me for years and they know the boundaries. And I have a lot of boundaries...there's barbed wire, electric fences, passwords, encryption - the whole works. Not even Michael Scofield can get in LOL.

It's funny because it seems that when I am in a place of completeness in my relationship and feeling positive and good in my place in life that's when I get hit on...guess it makes sense if I am emitting an aura of wholeness, and that would be attractive, but what I don't understand is that after I've set it straight that I'm not in a "marketable" situation, they still want to press for more. What part of "I have a man" don't you understand? Do you really want to be my guy on the side, or is it the challenge of just seeing if you can get the girl? This guy still had the nerve to ask me for my number so he could call me for us to discuss it further...discuss what? Eh? ...about he can be my "friend"...hahaha...friends like that I don't need in my life. When I asked what kind of friend he wanted to be thus was his response..."whatever kinda friend you want" (wink wink). Ewwwwwwwwww..... Now sure I could accept his offer of "friendship" but that is just putting myself in a situation I don't need to be in. Not that I am the least bit tempted by Mr Lover Lover but why even go there and give him access to me? I know for a fact some women in relationships keep such a guy on the side who feeds their ego and makes them feel desired, even though nothing ever materializes in the relationship. That is dangerous ground. No one feeds that for me but my man. I can't allow myself to get caught up in the oh baby baby I hear on the street because that's when you go home and start to feel you are missing something. I have all I need. And to be the crowning jewel on my man's head in which he has full confidence is worth more than a phone call and some sweet talk from Mr Lover Lover.

It just seems that people don't take relationships seriously any more, not even marriage. They way I see it, I treat anyone's relationship like a marriage, whether they have been together for two weeks or two years. You don't get married at the altar; it happens long before that. The ceremony is but a formality...a declaration and celebration of what is already established. A "husband" or "wife" does not magically become such on the wedding day, so when a brother approaches me like that from jump, how can he possible respect me down the line if all he is trying to do is get in my pants? But a lot of people don't think as far as the altar when they meet someone new (I used to be one of those people). The truth is that we all, in the end, want to connect and belong in a committed, respectful, loving and wholesome relationship. If you don't get it from the start, it's hard to develop in the long run. But if you are blessed or lucky enough (however you choose to look at it) you get someone who fits just right, and it all works out in the end.

I see how women are all about what they get from a guy, because he really has to prove himself, but at the same time I see women who dangle themselves in front of men, just out of reach, to keep him giving keep him on top of his game. Like she is the prize and he must be grateful for her time and attention. And that's just's all a big game. I'm so glad not to be a player.

I think the thing a lot of men don't get is that it's the man who is kind and unassuming that really charms a lady. The one that's not looking for anything from us is the one we are looking for. The one who is genuine, who will help with your boxes because he really wants to help, or talk to you and look in your eyes as you speak instead of scanning your body up and down while pretending to look interested. When did we forget how to relate to each other? When did men stop getting up to let a lady sit down on the train, or hold a door open for her? Not that we aren't strong enough to stand up on the way home or open a door ourselves, but it's the little actions that show - I treasure you as a woman, and I am treating you as such. Maybe it's because we stopped appreciating those gestures. Miss Demure has been replaced by Miss Independent...the "I don't need a man" sister who makes it hard for the genuine brothers out there who want to help a sister with her boxes, because she said she can do it her damn self.

Anyway, for the Mr Lover Lovers out kind to us. A woman is a treasure to cherish and keep, not to be owned or used and discarded, and not to be toyed with. We are the vessels of love and life, and when you hold us just right, you have all the treasure of the world in your hands.

And ladies, don't be so quick to say all men are dogs, and they are all no good. There are good men out there, and when you find one, don't forget to praise him for all he is. A man's ego is as fragile as a woman's heart. He needs your praise like you need his love and care.
A lot of our brothers are misguided/hurt/flawed and a lot of us sisters are scarred/defensive/broken, but when we meet in openness and honesty, there is something that breaks the chains and true love shines through.

I hope we can break the chains, and that Mr Lover Lover and Miss Independent live happily ever after.