Monday, January 19, 2009

Oh Me of Little Faith

I am a very decisive person. The problem is that it takes me aaaaaaaaaaaaages to come to a decision. I have to weigh every single option and scenario before I can come to a decision. I've had something I've needed to think about for a long time, and for a long time I have been thinking about it, but in a way I haven't. It's like I know I have to do this thing, but I procrastinate and I "hem and haw" as my grandmother would say.

But tonight I just said to myself, "this is what you have to do, so just do it". And I did. Finally. And I feel better, but still...

Part of me is sad, part of me is happy (the bigger part). Part of me wishes it could all be on my terms. But life isn't straightforward or clear all the time. And I've prayed. Sometimes you pray, and you think God isn't answering, but it's not that. Sometimes it's that He's already answered. You just need to do what He said and have a little faith. He doesn't even ask for a lot...just a little is all you need. To tell the truth a little is all I have right now, as I write this. I'm emotionally and spiritually drained. I am poured out and praised out but I am pressing on because I know this is all for something bigger than me. My little choices are a ripple in the pond of my life that touches many more than I can count. So I'm acting on faith...the little I have.

I think far too much for a single human being. Maybe that's why my head is so big LOL. All them thoughts can't fit in a small head anyway. I have to admit (thank God) that I haven't been as "worried" as I have been "concerned" and "careful" (or are those just other words for "worried" - hmmm). I do like to plan. I don't like surprises (unless they are presents) and I don't like being caught unprepared. And right now I don't really have a plan for this year. In a way, I do, but my plan lacks the certainty of execution I like to have as I walk into the first steps.

This is a test of my closeness with that often elusive friend...Faith. Faith sometimes is like the girlfriend you can call at any hour of the night and spill your heart to, and sometimes she is like the girl who has no time to listen to you sing your sad song. Sometimes she is the one who asks you to just suck it up and dry your eyes and pull it together and handle yours.

Tonight, I asked Faith to come over and, instead of offering her advice, just hold my hand until I fall asleep...

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